"we should stop confusing dating with Date Night." Bella Elwood-Clayton" Sydney Morning Herald
It's my birthday today - and David's in ten days time. It's a non birthday really for both of us - not big, decade busting ones, mid-week and for me at least it's a pretty miserable day in winter. Which I always find one of the sad things of coming to Australia. My birthday used to be in midsummer - and June still means to me the best of an English summer.
I'm already digressing a bit. To celebrate and as a kind of birthday present to me, we are going out to a local Italian restaurant for a meal. Nothing fancy but a meal out. Just the two of us. Is this a date night? Do we need to have date nights?
Date nights popped into my head as a potential subject a few days ago, I think initially, because my married son and wife mentioned a date night recently. I know they regularly do this and I also know that it's a modern thing. I tried to find out when this all began with no luck, but my guess is relatively recently. I certainly don't remember it as a thing when we were in the early days of our marriage. Anyway the idea was lurking in my head and then last night we saw an episode of Apple TV+ series Trying which was all about the concept of date nights, during which the main male character said something along the lines of the following - although somewhat more earthily - and probably realistically:
"When newly in love, there is no need for "date night". Every conversation sipping frothy cappuccino, every stroll hand-in-hand by riverside, even mundane tasks like grocery shopping, are infused with romance and the promise of eroticism. Will he or won't he touch me? Does he feel the heat between us? Could he ever, possibly, be mine?" Bella Ellwood-Clayton/Sydney Morning Herald
She, of course, was much more in favour of a Date Night. He just wanted to stay at home and cuddle on the couch whilst watching TV. And yes there is a distinct difference between dating and date night, with its overtones of reviving, or keeping romance going.
"date night was how we fell in love. Date night was how we got to know each other. Date night was something that led to us getting married." Adam Kirk Smith
For us we met at university, so in a sense there weren't even any dates. We met on the dance floor and continued the romance on more dance floors and in our rooms and around the grounds of that beautiful place. After university, there were indeed kind of dates because we lived apart for a year or so - David in a flat in London with friends, and I at home in the suburbs. And so yes, then we did go out on dates - meals in restaurants - some of them trend-setters - Odin's - was one of them, some of them just the local Indian.
And then we married, had children, worked hard and meals out diminished to birthdays and anniversaries and really it's been that way ever since. Most of our our very occasional excursions to restaurants have been either a business thing or an outing with friends and/or family. Holidays too.
Date nights seem to be something which is highly recommended for couples as a way of finding 'quality time' together. Reinstating romance. Time to actually talk to each other away from the everyday stresses of family and work. Sounds like a good idea, although apparently also fraught with danger, and requiring effort and planning.
"Date Night is the opposite of the dating phase.  One is forced, and the other comes naturally. So naturally, it’s effortless." Bella Elwood-Clayton" Sydney Morning Herald
It's a serious thing. I tried to find some light-hearted, even humorous articles on the topic, but found none. Surely somebody has poked fun at it all somewhere in print. Or is it just the domain of romcoms and crude stand-up comedians? There are endless articles giving advice on why and how, many of them from either religious or seriously psychotherapist sources, and equally endless advice on how to spice up the Date Night - e.g:
"One soon-to-be married couple that I spoke with [suggested an] "alphabet date". In turn, they plan date nights for each other in alphabetical order. If you can double up or triple letters, all the better. For instance "D" might be going to a dance class, followed by dumplings. Or "E" could be eating enchiladas, a walk on the esplanade, then moon-gazing at the Eureka tower. Cute, right?" Bella Elwood-Clayton" Sydney Morning Herald
Which does indeed sound like a lot of effort.
Marriage is not romantic. It's hard work with moments of romance - which I suppose Date Nights are supposed to provide. Overall however, it's just love - real love - but in a very different form to when you were dating. Or, of course, and sadly, the marriage ends and there is no more need for Date Nights - although maybe a need for dating.
Assuming you stay together through thick and thin, eventually the children leave and then you retire, and you perhaps see too much of each other. Maybe a date night then is a bad idea for different reasons, but then again maybe it's a really good idea, because you would be out in public and so less likely to argue and you might actually have a really good time. Besides, in this house anyway, we rarely do things outside of our daily routine. Shopping for food is a big day out!
So what are we doing to celebrate my birthday today? Well our favourite and local hauate cuisine restaurant is unfortunately giving the choice of duck or kangaroo as the mains on their winter menu and David hates both of those, so no we are not going there. Instead we are visiting the Italian place a bit further down the road - Franco & Co. It's just pizza and pasta - as shown here on their website. We have never been there, but it's been there for years, so it can't be bad, and really you can't go far wrong with Italian can you? And it will be nice to spend 'quality time' with each other. At least there's never any danger of us just sitting there with nothing to say. And it's not very far away, so we can come home and curl up on the sofa in front of the fire and watch silly TV. Maybe even romantic TV.
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